Threatening Divorce: It’s a Red Flag, Not a Joke

You should take note when your spouse threatens divorce to influence your behavior – or when your friend mentions that their spouse is doing that.  Even potentially innocent sounding comments like “if you don’t ______, maybe we should just get divorced” may be warning signs you should not ignore.

Comments about divorce being an option can arise in a lot of different situations where spouses disagree about social or financial priorities – whether to join a new golf league, making oatmeal for breakfast when they want pancakes, authorizing a 401k loan to buy a new truck, and on and on.  It may seem like a joke, or that your spouse would never go through with it, but it is a RED FLAG that you need to get more information so you can make informed decisions about how to handle this kind of threat.  Here are six ways to look at it.

1. Emotional Manipulation: Threatening divorce as a way to force compliance is a form of emotional manipulation. It creates fear and destabilizes the relationship, which can erode trust and self-esteem over time. This is especially worrisome if one spouse feels dependent – financially or socially – on the other.
2. Lack of Respect: Using threats instead of engaging in honest, respectful dialogue shows that your spouse may no longer be willing or able to resolve conflict in a healthy way. That undermines the foundation of mutual respect necessary for a functioning marriage.
3. Power Imbalance:  Threatening divorce can be part of a broader pattern of emotional or psychological abuse. A spouse who uses overt or veiled threats to dominate decisions (financial, sexual, parental, etc.), is leveraging fear instead of strengthening the marital partnership. Over time, this can lead to restricting your access to friends and family, and limiting your access to funds, until your own free will is a faded memory.
4. Instability: Living under the constant threat of divorce makes the relationship volatile. It can leave you anxious and unable to make clear-headed decisions, which affects your mental health and may also impact children or other family dynamics.
5. Real World Consequences: If your spouse is serious about using divorce as a tool, you need to protect yourself. A lawyer can help you understand your rights and prepare you for potential legal and financial ramifications – even if you hope to preserve your marriage.
6. Children Learn What They Live: If there are children in the home, modeling an unhealthy communication style and power imbalance will teach them life lessons that will impede their ability to form strong, loving, and respectful partnerships in their lives.

Repeated threats to leave are not a normal or sustainable part of a healthy relationship.  Whether it’s a sign of deeper dissatisfaction or an exit strategy being tested, it’s a strong signal that you need clarity on your legal position.  You can bring this up with your marriage counselor if you have one or consider seeking counseling.  You may also want to meet with a lawyer confidentially to get information, so you are better able to decide how to respond to the “jokes” or the overt threats in a way that helps you be strong, confident, and successful in your marriage.